Have you ever felt that since becoming a mother you are no longer quite sure who you are? That the person you were before has changed — but the new person has not fully arrived yet? If so, you may be in the midst of matrescence.
What is matrescence?
Matrescence is the process of psychological, emotional, physical and social transformation that a woman goes through when she becomes a mother. The term was coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and has been popularised in recent years by psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks. It refers to a transition as profound as adolescence — yet one that is largely invisible and unacknowledged by society.
Just as adolescence involves leaving childhood behind and building a new adult identity, matrescence involves leaving behind the person you were before and building a new identity as a mother. And just like adolescence, this process can be bewildering, painful, and full of contradictions.
What does matrescence feel like?
Matrescence can manifest in many different ways. Some women describe a feeling of identity loss — of no longer recognising themselves. Others experience ambivalence: loving their baby intensely while also missing their previous life, and then feeling guilty for that. Others feel overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility, or disconnected from their partner, their friends or their own body.
There may also be moments of profound joy and meaning, of feeling a love like no other. Matrescence is not just suffering — it is also growth. But it is important to acknowledge that this growth has a cost, and that cost deserves to be seen. For some women, this cost is compounded by perinatal grief, when becoming a mother is also intertwined with loss.
Why does nobody talk about matrescence?
Our culture tends to idealise motherhood. We are told that becoming a mother is the most beautiful experience in the world, that it is natural and instinctive and that a “good mother” gives everything without complaint. This narrative leaves no room for ambivalence, doubt or difficulty.
When a woman experiences matrescence in all its complexity — with its shadows and its lights — she often concludes that something is wrong with her. But there is nothing wrong. What is missing is a cultural framework that recognises this transition for what it is: one of the most significant transformations a person can go through.
What changes during matrescence
The transformation matrescence involves reaches across several dimensions:
Changes in the brain
Neuroscientific research has shown that a mother’s brain goes through significant structural changes during pregnancy and the postpartum period. These neurological transformations are linked to greater empathy, a sharper ability to read your baby’s needs, and emotional regulation. The brain quite literally reorganises itself for motherhood.
Changes in identity
Before becoming a mother you had an identity built over decades: your interests, your work, your friendships, the way you related to people, your body. When the baby arrives, all of that reorganises — or has to reorganise — around a new role. And that process can bring a deep sense of loss, even when what is coming is something good.
Ambivalence: loving and missing at the same time
One of the hardest parts of matrescence to name is ambivalence: intense love for your baby living alongside sadness for the life that no longer exists. You can love your baby with everything you have and, at the same time, miss sleeping through the night, your independence, spontaneous plans, the version of yourself that existed before.
That ambivalence does not make you a bad mother. It makes you human. And recognising it, rather than pushing it down, is essential to moving through it in a healthy way.
Changes in your relationship
A baby’s arrival inevitably transforms the dynamic between partners. Time, attention and energy get redistributed. Roles shift. Expectations about who does what can create tension. It is common for emotional and sexual intimacy to be affected. None of this means the relationship is “broken”: it means it is going through its own transformation too.
Is it matrescence or postpartum depression?
Understanding matrescence matters for perinatal mental health because it changes the frame we use to interpret how mothers feel. Instead of asking “what is wrong with this woman?”, the question becomes “what is this woman going through?”.
Not all emotional distress in the postpartum period is postpartum depression or clinical anxiety. Sometimes it is simply the pain that comes with a profound transformation that has not been given the space or the support it deserves. And giving it a name — matrescence — is already a relief in itself.
That said, matrescence and perinatal mood disorders can coexist. If the distress is intense, persistent, or gets in the way of your ability to function or to care for your baby, it is important to seek professional help.
How can psychological support help during matrescence?
Psychological support during matrescence offers a space to explore the new identity, integrate the old self and the new, work through guilt and ambivalence, and build a relationship with motherhood that feels authentic rather than imposed. It is not about adapting to an ideal of what a mother “should” be — it is about finding your own way of being a mother, from a place of self-knowledge and self-compassion.
There is no “manual” for moving through matrescence, but some things help:
- Naming it: knowing that what you are living has a name and is normal is already an enormous first step
- Allowing ambivalence: you don’t have to be happy all the time, or feel guilty about the hard moments
- Talking to other mothers: connecting with other women going through something similar reduces isolation and shame
- Looking after yourself: not as a luxury, but as a real need in order to be able to care for your baby
- Psychological support: a space to explore the new identity, work through the ambivalence and find a way forward
If you are in this process and feel lost, overwhelmed or simply in need of a space where you can be honest about what you are experiencing, I am here to walk it with you.
Matrescence has no expiry date
Matrescence does not end when your baby turns one month old, or when they start sleeping through the night, or when you go back to work. It is a process that can last years, that reactivates with each child, and that in many cases has no clear end. More than a destination, it is a path.
And that path deserves to be walked with support, without rushing, and with all the compassion you deserve.
The transformation into motherhood is profound. Learn more about my psychological support for motherhood and read about postpartum depression.
Becoming a mother is also something you don’t have to face alone. If you’re going through this transformation, learn more about my support during motherhood and postpartum psychology, find answers in the FAQ, or get in touch.
